What a weekend...

So growing up in pretty much the middle of nowhere I’m used to little, unpaved county roads that aren’t very well lit or marked (if they’re marked at all) so I didn’t think anything of driving to the YAM retreat to babysit on Friday using the back road directions that I was given. It wasn’t that bad of a drive either, until it got to be dark, because then unpaved, unlit, unmarked roads become impossible to see. So Beverly,Lacey and I are driving along, enjoying the stars, windows down, and laughing about the fact that we’ve had to turn around three times already because we passed the unlit / unmarked roads that we were supposed to turn onto. Well we’ve got one more road to turn onto and it’s a tricky one. Of course I end up taking the wrong direction of the Y-Intersection (it said continue straight on the directions, but you have to either veer right or left… I chose wrong) and the next thing I know, we’re back at the highway BUT there is a sign pointing us in the direction of the camp location…behind us. So I get ready to turn around (yet again) and instead of going out onto the highway and turning around on the wide road (like I knew I should have) I pull off into the ditch thinking I’ll just stay out of the way. Well imagine my surprise when the front passenger side of the Explorer drops down about 2 feet. Into a ditch. I had pulled too close to the intersection when I was turning around and my rear left tire was now about ½ an inch off the ground. We were stuck. In the dark. In the middle of nowhere. It the middle of an intersection. Three young ladies on a Friday night. So I put my hazards on, (I know, Dad, bad idea because you don’t know who’s going to pull up…but I was in the middle of an intersection and needed to figure out what was going on…), tell Lacey and Beverly to sit tight while I got out to see what happened. Well I’m standing there trying to figure out what’s going on and if we can get it out or if I should call someone when these two cars pull up, (little rice burners that can’t do much good,) and these four guys get out. My first thought is, I shouldn’t have turned my hazards on (actually that came after: stupid, why didn’t you go turn around on the highway…). My second thought was, quick call someone so that at least if something happens, you’re on the phone and they can hear you. So I explained what happened to the guys as I’m dialing one of the men at the retreat. The guys start walking around trying to figure out if they can be of any help and I explained to Andy what happened and where we were and he tells us to sit tight, he’ll get some of the guys who have a truck. So I tell the rice burner guys that someone is on the way, thanks so much for their help, but I think we’ll be ok and then they left. About 5 minutes later I get another call from Andy: they’re looking for some rope and will be leaving as soon as they find some. At this point, Lacey and Beverly CLIMB out of the car so the three of us are standing off to the side of the road thinking: we saw the turn off, we know it’s not that far away… WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG??? I text a few people (mostly so that they get to hear the story from me and not as gossip. I’d rather the take the hits sooner than later.) Another five minutes or so and Andy calls to say they found some rope, they’re on their way. Awesome. So I start preparing myself for having to explain how I ended up stuck in a ditch, (that preparation included spinning in circles in the middle of the road to keep from losing my cool and screaming or snapping.) I finally see the Ratcliffe’s truck pull over the top of the hill (after politely declining the help of about five or six other people who stopped) and breathe a sigh of relief. Until it pulls past and I realize that what seems like EVERY man who was at the retreat was in the back of the truck. And one of them had the camera phone out.

So, again, I explained what happened, laughed at myself some so they could get all their jokes out of their system, gave them my keys and got out of the way. About 27 seconds later they had pushed it out, got back in the truck and turned around to leave. So we get back in the car and I realize: my car is still facing the highway. I still have to turn around. Fan-TAS-tic. So I back up, pull a 5-point turn, never going more than about 2 inches off the road, and follow them back to the campsite. That was the "fun" part of the story...

Not a huge deal right? Everyone was fine, car was fine, we made it safely, all the people who were supposed to trust me with their kids were really nice about it and concerned. No harm done. Well apparently I have a few pride issues that surfaced that I was NOT prepared to deal with on very little sleep, a rotten frame of mind, and the thought of 30 or so kids waiting for me. I’ve always loved working on my car and learning how to fix it. Sure some of that came from Dad’s forced labor when we started driving and had to fix our own car, but I liked knowing that I could take care of myself if something were to happen. So on Friday night things just kinda built up: 1) Having to turn around three times was already starting to kinda get annoying; 2) One last turn around when I knew where I had turned wrong…and this being where I would have turned off the road to start off with if I had taken the highway route that I knew; 3) Going against what I was thinking and turning around in a ditch that I couldn’t see very well because it was dark and overgrown with weeds and such when I KNEW BETTER; 4) Getting stuck is never fun because you have to call and ask for help: not something I do often; 5) Having a truck load of men that I respect pull up and have to “rescue” me kinda erased whatever shred of dignity I had left as I stood there like the silly little college girl who got herself lost and stuck; 6) Having to answer the questions “Are you ok?” and “Is your car ok?” about 19 times once we got to the campsite. It’s like rubbing dirt in your eyes and washing it out with swimming pool water that’s just been chlorinated. Maybe that’s a bit overly dramatic, but that’s where I was at. And I was tired. And I was hungry. And I still wasn’t feeling very well. Needless to say, I went to sleep as soon as I got things ready for the next day and worked on my Bible class lesson for Sunday morning. And tossed around all night. I think I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. I got up at about 6:30 Saturday morning and just went and sat outside on the porch. I read some and prayed a lot and got to watch the sun rise (gorgeous...) as I prepared myself to repress everything that I was thinking and feeling and concentrate on the task of the day: 29 kids, ages 9 months to 12-years-old.

It was a fabulous weekend. I love those kids and getting to spend time with them. I love having a HUGE family full of people that were concerned and care about me and my wellbeing. I love being able to go places and see new things. I had a great time getting to know two people I haven’t spent a lot of time with. What I didn’t like is being forced to look at myself in the mirror and realize that even on those days when things are awesome and I’m doing good and being nice and helping people, that things like pride and anger and impatience and other exploding emotions are right there under the surface and that it doesn’t take a whole lot for them to break through.

I’m most appreciative for Wayne’s sermon last night from Psalm 26. It helped me realize that it doesn’t matter how many times I look at myself. I can overlook the things in my life that I don’t want to see. I can hide those things from other people. It’s really easy to put a smile on your face and say everything is ok. I did it for 48 hours this weekend. I smiled and laughed and played and taught and the entire time I was boiling inside because of everything that was flying through my brain. If I can see through the smoke screen so easily, what do others see that I think I've hidden away so carfeully? But more importantly, what does God see?

Psalm 26: 2 Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; Try my mind and my heart.