5 Years Later

I wrote this Thursday night and decided to go ahead and post it here as well...

I was looking back through my old notes from past Februarys yesterday and it's amazing how much has changed and how much is exactly the same.

I still have moments that I can't believe he's gone. I still have random flashbacks and 'remember when' moments. I still have times when it's the furthest thing from my mind and I still have times when it's the only thing I can think of.

I still miss him.

A few years ago I was introduced to the concept of reading a chapter a day from the book of Proverbs. Thirty one chapters, 31(ish) days in a month - works out great. I find it ironic that this is what I get to read on the day before the anniversary of my cousin's death:

Proverb 23: 29-35
Who has woe?
Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions?
Who has complaints?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long at the wine,
Those who go in search of mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it swirls around smoothly;
At the last it bites like a serpent,
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things,
And your heart will utter perverse things.
Yes, you will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea,
Or like one who lies at the top of the mast, saying:
“They have struck me, but I was not hurt;
They have beaten me, but I did not feel it.
When shall I awake, that I may seek another drink?”

As I sit here reflecting on this passage at 10:30 at night, I can't help wonder if this is exactly what was going on that night at this time - were they 'drowning their sorrows'? Were they searching for a reason to get drunk or was it just for fun? Did they know how drunk they were when they decided to go for the drive? Did they even feel any of the pain from the wreck or were they struck without hurting? beaten without pain?

Mostly I wonder if they still have days when they can't wait to wake up and have another drink.

Five years and the pain is still there. Five years and the memories still flood over me. Five years and the bitterness still overwhelms the forgiveness that I struggle to extend. Five years down, how many more to go?